Recent Comments

8/18/21, 7:10 PM
A huge follower of the main story on GSS. And now I'm even more confused on how much is/was changed by Billy Bonkers. It's great to see more from other people's perspective, but how the hell did Jack have memories of Daniel as an ex before Daniel was even there, but then the manor??? Really romantic, but oh boy was putting it in Dalton Creek made me think way too much about the lore and what is happening in the main story to fully enjoy.

8/18/21, 8:01 PM
@BobbyBlobfish I love the lore! Thanks for the support. This is basically happening during part 3 of the "Dream" bit, not chapter 4 (?) Right before Daniel wakes up. Daniel's memories of their meeting are also changed. It is a huge mess honestly. You need a pen and paper to follow along at this point . I might have to make a forum post ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚
8/17/21, 9:40 PM
I really like this story, but two big problems here: punctuation and uppercases are all over the place ( "ask me this **.?**", "didn't know **What** I was), some words are missing ( do you see *me* as a person or as an object), sometimes letters (an*D* only do things with me. I was the one who was supposed to *b*ring you her*e*)... So I had to stop to make sure I properly understood. I mean, English is not my first language either, but here it's getting in the way of reading. The second things is that it comes WAY too fast. Even with those explanations, nobody would forgive that easily. Even if Kai puts conditions, it still feel like he got over a lot of issues and sympathize too much with Jae. It's not credible, so I'm taken out of the story, because Jae's kind of behavior is very toxic. Even if that's the point, it doesn't come like the story criticize enough, and if it's involuntary, it means one of the character is bordering on bad guy without meaning to.

Jonanator
8/18/21, 4:01 PM
@BobbyBlobfish Thanks for the comment. Punctuation is something I will work on, I am not so good on it, so I will work on it. As for the second the second part, I'll try to explain and touch on that. Kai will actually still feel uneasy around Jae, and won't want to actually spend time with him, but traumatic event will bring them together, so that's all I'll say on that. I'll also touch on why Jae seems toxic, and it should give a reason as to why he may seem controlling at time in future chapter. Hope that gives you a sense of where this is going, at least a bit. I read a series on Nifty that kind of inspired me to kind of right my own, and in it the guys were somewhat what you described, and very controlling, but they still loved there partner. I kind of plan to make a series out of this, if this story goes well, so keep the comments coming.
8/17/21, 3:28 AM
This was a great idea for a submission! I thought it was cool that the place was a gay polyam commune, and it was fun reading about how Billy Bonkers affected the excessive order. You set up Jack's life well, why he wanted to change, and how Daniel rescued him. It seemed like some of the plot elements came out of nowhere, but that *is* how life tends to work - not much foreshadowing. It felt similar to stream-of-consciousness literature. One thing I would suggest is adding punctuation to the end of all your dialogue. All the other writing has full punctuation and correct spelling and looks good, so it's kind of jarring whenever a quote doesn't end in the proper punctuation, and it makes the writing appear lazy - falsely, since your writing is good here.

8/17/21, 6:23 AM
@Soren Fitz Ah, grammar, my old nemesis. Read on its own the story elements are rather random, but this is actually a "Midnight Sun" if Dalton Creek on Gay Spiral was "Twilight". That story is... something. It's the same story elements told from the other perspective. This is like a Disney version of Dalton Creek's Grimm fairytales. I wanted this story to function as a stand-alone, maybe the start of a series of one-offs where different duos from the commune go on dates and things.

8/17/21, 12:53 PM
@Norismo That makes so much more sense now! I noticed a few hours after reading that you had posted twenty-three chapters of Dalton Creek stories in the past, and now I understand whatโ€™s going on.
8/17/21, 7:16 AM
I have to say, this story was a pleasure to read, and I don't mean just because I was pleasuring myself as I read it. The situations were good, the sex was titillating, and the ending was very satisfying. I liked how Eric and Ricardo were almost a future glimpse at how Fin and Ronny would eventually be: still fucking constantly, but having more of a healthy relationship feel to it. A wonderfully satisfying story, and I very much look forward to your next work!
8/16/21, 1:00 PM
Big fan of this series. I love the flow of events here; the little tease we get when we think Luke's going to give in and his scene with the coach both make the whole product sexier. I gotta say though, this chapter reads more like a rush job or an unfinished draft than previous ones did (which had clean, brief paragraphs, correct punctuation, clean spelling, in general showed a really high skill level!). Life gets crazy sometimes, it's all good, but going forward I'd personally be happy to wait two more weeks (or whatever) so you have time to finish editing and deliver that quality we know you're capable of!

8/16/21, 2:01 PM
@tenser13 It's good to know about it. I'm not sure how long it took me to write it, but I'll try to give a check before I post the next chapters. Thanks for the feedback!

8/16/21, 2:21 PM
@tenser13 I had messed up the paragraphs, I did a revision for that. Thanks for helping me notice!

8/17/21, 1:47 AM
@Lookintomyeyesboy Love it, thank you! And no problem, just happy to have your hot stories on here!
Martin
8/16/21, 8:38 PM
Honestly, the way you write, you don't need no kink. This scene was amazingly hot. I'm really honored to have you aboard! Please share more of these stories from a "less kinky phase"!

8/17/21, 12:25 AM
@Martin :3 you're too kind! I've got some stuff in mind for GCS but I just need to get through some life stuff first!
Martin
8/16/21, 8:24 PM
All right, now we have some drama... Let's see where this is heading. Please go on!

Jonanator
8/16/21, 10:50 PM
@Martin thanks for the comment. I was actually just going to do star on the next chapter. I'm glad you like it. I think the direction I take this in might branch off to a sequel story, if it turn out good, so, more is on the horizon.
Martin
8/16/21, 8:21 PM
It's a difficult topic, a love story with a self-loathing homophobic closet case... But I like what you did so far. Let's see where this is going! I hope it'll have a goog ending... :)
Anonymous
8/16/21, 6:43 AM
Very hot, the way you do dialogue is a bit confusing though

8/16/21, 2:22 PM
I ha messed up the spacing, it should be fixed now. Sorry about that.
8/16/21, 9:42 AM
What may also happened is that Ronny, realizing Fin was his Beta, did whatever he could to get Finn to accept it. If his inner drives were so pumped I can see his own self-justification. He may not have wanted to be without a Beta. I would hope that as they mature in their relationship that they will become more loving and less sex-focused. Ronny said that they're both just two guys. I hope he can realize that he didn't really give Fin a choice and apologize. I think Fin would forgive him soon enough.
Jonanator
8/16/21, 6:09 AM
Hot. Can;t wait for more.
8/16/21, 1:14 AM
I'm glad they bonded but I'm not happy about Fin being Ronny's "bitch". Semantics I suppose but also he was drugged by the pre-workout drink so he had no choice to really decide. Yes, he could have left when Ronny explained about how Betas have choice but by that point he was addicted.

8/16/21, 4:12 AM
@Cutlerfan I'm glad you feel this way! I wanted to leave the outcome up to the reader's interpretation. Some may think it was true love while others may think Ronny was more devious than he let on.
8/15/21, 11:13 PM
I specifically requested a happy ending. A happy ending was had. You cannot beat this level of customer service.

8/16/21, 12:38 AM
Lol what can I say? I'm a giver @amul

8/16/21, 1:15 AM
@Beaux_a I'm just kidding of course, the story was going to go where you the author needed it to go but I just sensed (and hoped) that your delightful characters would find happiness together.
8/15/21, 12:38 PM
so hot, thank you!

8/15/21, 10:11 PM
@hairyartist I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading!
8/15/21, 5:35 PM
I really liked this series. Do you have any plans for continuing this setting with other characters?

8/15/21, 10:11 PM
@Madoc Larkin Potentially! I haven't really decided what I want to do next, but I'm thinking of trying something else out, then returning back to this at some point.
8/15/21, 2:23 PM
What a wonderful ending. I like the mix of science and magic that explains the situation, and said explanation hits a sweet spot in terms of detail (not overly explained as to bog the story down, but also not so vague that it leaves a bunch of questions). It is hard to believe this is only your first story! You did a fantastic job. :)

8/15/21, 10:09 PM
Thank you so much for the kind words @Feed Your Head! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)
8/15/21, 2:11 PM
Very excited to read more of how this turns out. Also curious to see what this "magic cock" we have been teased about does

8/15/21, 5:50 PM
Thanks! Marc's magic cock definitely makes an appearance next chapter. @ace_vage
8/13/21, 2:19 AM
Desperately waiting for the next chapter! Such a good read!

8/15/21, 5:49 PM
Thanks! Some real life stuff came up, but the next chapter is getting there! @italianstalian1987
Aug 12, 2021
Martin
8/15/21, 11:37 AM
What a wondeful story! It's a grace to this new site, thank you very much for posting it. The rimming scene is one of the most intense I've ever read! Once "GayCollarStories" will be up (should be a matter of two or three weeks from now), please make sure to crosspost this story there, too. It's rare that I have read such a sweet sub/dom story, and it will fit perfectly there as well.
Apr 4, 2017
8/14/21, 2:14 AM
This story is really something. At times I wasn't sure where it was going and I certainly was unprepared for where it ended up but the characters and storytelling were genuine - Both Roger and the narrator have faults but importantly they have redeeming qualities and that's what really hooks me as a reader.

8/15/21, 4:25 AM
@amul I really wanted this to be a story about a man who is sincerely trying to make the young man better, and to join with his lost love in the best possible way. Not a death of personality, but an enhancement though joining. It really should go over to the new Cupid site, I think. Most of my stuff probably belongs there.

Martin
8/15/21, 6:08 AM
@Papa Werebear You can simply use the edit function to publish any of your stories on Cupid. Just select it as an addition publishing site!
8/14/21, 2:34 AM
You're a gifted writer. The personality merging that you write about in your stories has a completely different tone from everyone else's mind control stories. I hope you write more stories that explore this theme.

8/15/21, 4:28 AM
@amul It's how I like to write merging. Mutualism rather than parasitism.
8/14/21, 3:25 PM
Please give these boys a happy ending.

8/15/21, 1:21 AM
We'll see @amul! :)
8/14/21, 11:08 AM
Wow! What a chapter! Your skill in characterization extends to the other people in the story, I see (I love Eric's passive-aggressive commentary). Plus the sex scene in the car was achingly hot. I love the hints of magic and mystery in the tale, too. 10/10 all around! :)

8/15/21, 1:20 AM
Thank you so much! @Feed Your Head
Aug 12, 2021
8/14/21, 11:33 PM
Wish I was the guy rimming. hehe Honestly, good stuff!
8/13/21, 5:55 AM
Thanks for all of the comments guys! They're all greatly appreciated. I'll be uploading Part 3 tonight!
8/12/21, 10:50 AM
This is the sweetest, cutest thing!
8/11/21, 7:50 PM
All the previous comments are dead on. Can't wait to see where you take the story.
8/11/21, 12:33 PM
Came for the smut, staying for the story!