Recent Comments

8/18/21, 8:03 PM
Chapter 13* specifically. Their original meeting is in chapter 5.

8/19/21, 8:37 AM
@Norismo Oh boy, yes, that's a bit complicated. Okay, so it's another version of the meeting, with the changes from the latter chapters? Okay, it makes a lot more sense that way. Still confused by the manor bit, but that might get explained later on.
8/18/21, 7:10 PM
A huge follower of the main story on GSS. And now I'm even more confused on how much is/was changed by Billy Bonkers. It's great to see more from other people's perspective, but how the hell did Jack have memories of Daniel as an ex before Daniel was even there, but then the manor??? Really romantic, but oh boy was putting it in Dalton Creek made me think way too much about the lore and what is happening in the main story to fully enjoy.

8/18/21, 8:01 PM
@BobbyBlobfish I love the lore! Thanks for the support. This is basically happening during part 3 of the "Dream" bit, not chapter 4 (?) Right before Daniel wakes up. Daniel's memories of their meeting are also changed. It is a huge mess honestly. You need a pen and paper to follow along at this point . I might have to make a forum post ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚
8/17/21, 9:40 PM
I really like this story, but two big problems here: punctuation and uppercases are all over the place ( "ask me this **.?**", "didn't know **What** I was), some words are missing ( do you see *me* as a person or as an object), sometimes letters (an*D* only do things with me. I was the one who was supposed to *b*ring you her*e*)... So I had to stop to make sure I properly understood. I mean, English is not my first language either, but here it's getting in the way of reading. The second things is that it comes WAY too fast. Even with those explanations, nobody would forgive that easily. Even if Kai puts conditions, it still feel like he got over a lot of issues and sympathize too much with Jae. It's not credible, so I'm taken out of the story, because Jae's kind of behavior is very toxic. Even if that's the point, it doesn't come like the story criticize enough, and if it's involuntary, it means one of the character is bordering on bad guy without meaning to.

8/18/21, 4:01 PM
@BobbyBlobfish Thanks for the comment. Punctuation is something I will work on, I am not so good on it, so I will work on it. As for the second the second part, I'll try to explain and touch on that. Kai will actually still feel uneasy around Jae, and won't want to actually spend time with him, but traumatic event will bring them together, so that's all I'll say on that. I'll also touch on why Jae seems toxic, and it should give a reason as to why he may seem controlling at time in future chapter. Hope that gives you a sense of where this is going, at least a bit. I read a series on Nifty that kind of inspired me to kind of right my own, and in it the guys were somewhat what you described, and very controlling, but they still loved there partner. I kind of plan to make a series out of this, if this story goes well, so keep the comments coming.
8/17/21, 3:28 AM
This was a great idea for a submission! I thought it was cool that the place was a gay polyam commune, and it was fun reading about how Billy Bonkers affected the excessive order. You set up Jack's life well, why he wanted to change, and how Daniel rescued him. It seemed like some of the plot elements came out of nowhere, but that *is* how life tends to work - not much foreshadowing. It felt similar to stream-of-consciousness literature. One thing I would suggest is adding punctuation to the end of all your dialogue. All the other writing has full punctuation and correct spelling and looks good, so it's kind of jarring whenever a quote doesn't end in the proper punctuation, and it makes the writing appear lazy - falsely, since your writing is good here.

8/17/21, 6:23 AM
@Soren Fitz Ah, grammar, my old nemesis. Read on its own the story elements are rather random, but this is actually a "Midnight Sun" if Dalton Creek on Gay Spiral was "Twilight". That story is... something. It's the same story elements told from the other perspective. This is like a Disney version of Dalton Creek's Grimm fairytales. I wanted this story to function as a stand-alone, maybe the start of a series of one-offs where different duos from the commune go on dates and things.

8/17/21, 12:53 PM
@Norismo That makes so much more sense now! I noticed a few hours after reading that you had posted twenty-three chapters of Dalton Creek stories in the past, and now I understand whatโ€™s going on.
Jack
8/17/21, 7:16 AM
I have to say, this story was a pleasure to read, and I don't mean just because I was pleasuring myself as I read it. The situations were good, the sex was titillating, and the ending was very satisfying. I liked how Eric and Ricardo were almost a future glimpse at how Fin and Ronny would eventually be: still fucking constantly, but having more of a healthy relationship feel to it. A wonderfully satisfying story, and I very much look forward to your next work!
8/16/21, 1:00 PM
Big fan of this series. I love the flow of events here; the little tease we get when we think Luke's going to give in and his scene with the coach both make the whole product sexier. I gotta say though, this chapter reads more like a rush job or an unfinished draft than previous ones did (which had clean, brief paragraphs, correct punctuation, clean spelling, in general showed a really high skill level!). Life gets crazy sometimes, it's all good, but going forward I'd personally be happy to wait two more weeks (or whatever) so you have time to finish editing and deliver that quality we know you're capable of!

8/16/21, 2:01 PM
@tenser13 It's good to know about it. I'm not sure how long it took me to write it, but I'll try to give a check before I post the next chapters. Thanks for the feedback!

8/16/21, 2:21 PM
@tenser13 I had messed up the paragraphs, I did a revision for that. Thanks for helping me notice!

8/17/21, 1:47 AM
@Lookintomyeyesboy Love it, thank you! And no problem, just happy to have your hot stories on here!
Martin
8/16/21, 8:38 PM
Honestly, the way you write, you don't need no kink. This scene was amazingly hot. I'm really honored to have you aboard! Please share more of these stories from a "less kinky phase"!

8/17/21, 12:25 AM
@Martin :3 you're too kind! I've got some stuff in mind for GCS but I just need to get through some life stuff first!